3 Years now... is it easier?

So... it's now 3 years since the world lost the soul known as Joel Thomas Milburn.... or more commonly Gael(phorce), BoB, oi you, or other less pleasing epithets.  We left behind are the ones feeling pain, not the ones gone on, is it easier? Well, that I think rather depends on how you view things, assess them and process too.

I think more, those of us who were close to Joel have learned to deal with, as I said (thank you Ian for the correction, which was perfect, and The Endings for the original song from which I got the idea) in his eulogy, the 'Joel sized (and shaped) hole in our hearts'.  He's not gone totally... you can't just forget someone like Joel, whether you were loving him, or being frustrated by him, talking geek stuff, or silly comedy stuff (NI!!!!), or getting high on the contents of helium balloons at a wedding or.....

....yes, and that's how we *still* are coping.  Remembering the silly sodlet as he was, the funny stuff.  Not the bad stuff, the stuff we'd rather not remember.

EVERY time, without fail, that I'm talking to mutual friends, invariably we'll end up talking about one of two things when it comes to Joel - his geekiness and how much he taught me, and/or silly anecdotes that *still* have us giggling, and that I suppose is his legacy.

In honour of his memory, and so he's giggling up there, wherever he is I've decided to do another DEATH and Joel skit, a la Mr Prachett for you to enjoy.  

SCENE: Joel loping (anyone knowing him will know that 'parting of the Red Sea thru crowds' type stride) thru Heaven, DEATH is spied in the distance escorting more souls to their eternal rest....

Joel:  DEATH!, Oi! Death...*sigh* BONEY!

Death pauses in his stride, knowing there is only being in the whole of the multiverses that would _dare_ call him 'Boney'

DEATH: MR MILBURN?!

Joel: Ugh, you know I hate that! *holds up a hand as Death is about to retaliate* OK, I called you Boney... but you weren't taking a blind *Death's blue sparkle flares*...whatever bit of notice of me, and wanted a word, er... please?!

DEATH: VERY WELL, WHAT IS IT?

Joel: Two things really, I've been a bit busy flitting around doing science-y things only really stopping by to make sure that no-one I know has popped their clogs, or biker boots ... well you know what I mean, so not really been concentrating on the living.... so how's everyone coping now... have they forgotten me?

DEATH: FORGOTTEN, NO.  DEALING WITH... IN VARYING DEGREES.  THEY SAY TIME HEALS.  I DON'T THINK THIS IS ACTUALLY THE CASE, I THINK IT MORE THAT TIME GIVES YOU THE ABILITY TO COPE MORE WITH THE OCCASION, TO PROCESS THINGS BETTER.  MOST ARE DEALING WITH YOUR LOSS BY REMEMBERING YOUR MORE... AH... COMICAL MOMENTS, OF WHICH JUDGING BY STORIES, YOU HAD MANY, AND I'M CERTAIN THAT VERY FEW ARE APOCRYPHAL!  OH AND ASSOCIATING YOUR NAME WITH ALL THINGS AH.... GEEK?!

Joel: yeah Geek... computery stuff...

DEATH:  INDEED - COMPUTERS, GAMES, AND 'RIPPING THE FUCKING BIOS CHIP OUT AND DROP-KICKING THE ARSING THING OUT OF A 4TH FLOOR WINDOW'?!

Joel: Not sure if that's one of mine, or Pol's with elements of me rubbing off on her!  So how is she - Pol... Mam, Dad, Soph...

DEATH: AS I SAID COPING, MORE FRIENDS OF YOUR WIFE ARE RALLYING ROUND HER, SO FAR AS I CAN TELL FROM THE SANDS OF TIME NONE ARE IMMINENTLY ABOUT TO SHUFFLE OFF THEIR MORTAL COILS.  POL HAS HER PHOTOGRAPHY TOO, AT WHICH SHE IS BECOMING SOMEWHAT ADEPT, SHE IS HAPPY AND LOVED... SOMETHING YOU WANTED I BELIEVE?

Joel: Gods yeah, she'd had a lot of bad stuff in her life, she deserved some good!  She needs to be loved *giggles* yeah _that_ way too!

DEATH: INDEED.  WELL SHE'S ACHIEVING SOME SUCCESSES WITH THAT AND IT'S KEEPING HER OCCUPIED ANYHOW, SOPHIE IS STILL GOING ROUND AS I BELIEVE SHE PUT IT LOOKING FOR BAT POOP, OWL PUKE AND NEWTS, AND DOING HER MUSIC... AND YOUR 'MAM AND DAD' AS YOU CALL THEM ARE AS HAPPY AS THEY CAN BE GIVEN YOU GONE AND SOPHIE SO FAR AWAY.  POL LOOKS AFTER THEM AND THEY AFTER HER.  AS FOR FRIENDS...THEY WERE AND ARE NUMEROUS. THEIR LIVES GO ON IN VARIOUS WAYS AND AS IT IS WITH HUMANS... WITH VARYING SUCCESS OR MISERIES, NEW LIVES CREATED....

Joel: Yeah...new lives created... that was the other thing I wanted to ask you about.  Reincarnation, do you believe in it?

DEATH: IT EXISTS, I HAVE NO USE FOR BELIEF OR DENIAL SINCE I *KNOW* SUCH THINGS HAPPEN,....

Joel:  Well, I rather fancy going back as a cat...they get fed yummy things, sleep 23 hours per day and if they are obnoxious, people accept it as 'oh it's what cats are like!'

DEATH: HMM... I CAN SEE A CERTAIN ATTRACTION... ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE AS ... UM, UNIQUE AS YOURSELF...

Joel: (striding off in the direction of the heavenly council and throwing comments over his shoulder)  Thanks Boney... ah Mr Death, see ya around.  Oi God-like person, Bossman... about this spirit recycling thing....

DEATH: AND CATS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE *NINE* LIVES.... NINE RENDITIONS OF THAT COULD BE LIKE AN IMMOVABLE OBJECT HITTING AN IRRESISTIBLE FORCE... HEY HO, HOPE HE GETS SOMEONE THAT LIKES CATS!

Well... if he does come back as a cat, it would suit him down the the ground and can see him being a bit of a Greebo, LOL

Rest in Peace you silly sodlet, you are still loved, missed and remembered.

Love Pol, the family, and all your friends xxx

JOEL THOMAS MILBURN

10.10.76 - 15.06.11

REST IN PEACE

6 months on.....

Does it get any easier?? 

They say time heals, and I have to say in a lot of ways 'they' are correct.  Although I don't think it's so much healing as learning to deal with it, and filling my time with other things.

I still have moments, hours, days... it doesn't normally go beyond days thanks to my 'support squad', they'll come over, ring me, get me to go for tea with them or whatever to make sure I'm ok,... where I'll vary from a brief moment of reminiscence to bawling my eyes out that I'm so lonely and I miss him.

However, I have lots to occupy my time now.  I have moved house so I won't freeze this winter, I do DJing and karaoke (I'm roadie for Bryan and occasionally I'll help out with the mixing and stuff rather than just the carting of stuff up and down club stairs!! *grin*  hey it's part and parcel of the job and not like he makes me do it all myself, I HELP.... he's carrying just as much if not more!!  and I wouldn't get to do the fun bits without the hard work!).  I am setting up (and being somewhat successful) with my new greetings cards and craft trinket business Krafty Katz Kardz and Keepsakez (4K)... and at the moment I'm busy unpacking, sorting, repacking, housing, sorting more etc. all the stuff I brought over from Chopwell.   I have to sort out the stuff in the studio (note, not Spare Bedroom but Studio... my new landlord... Bryan... hath decreed that it is a studio but has worked a compromise that 'his' bed i.e. the one supplied with the house, will go in the Studio as a long seat [and a spare bed if I need it!] and I can have my king size in the bedroom) so that I can move Bry's bed that he left with the house into there and put up my solid pine king size one... until I get the double divan out of that room I can't put the bed up, and I can't put the divan into the Studio until  all the cables, DVDs/Games/bits of computer (JOEL THOMAS MILBURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *grin*) are sorted and stored neatly in the cupboard so we know where they are but can still get hold of them!!

So between moving house, doing roadie stuff, making and selling (well eventually selling I hope) cards etc, visiting friends, shopping with Mam... I'm busy enough not to dwell.  However, this wind lately has been getting thru to me.  That said, not half as much as it normally did when at Chopwell.  It was something we loathed intensely both of us, the wind.  Made both of us feel cold, lonely and empty inside.  Here (Leam Lane) it doesn't howl round the chimney as much, and I don't have visions of the whole chimney falling thru the roof cuz it was unsafe.

I'll continue this later... I'm off to watch MasterChef:The Professionals Final.  See you on the flipside!!


I think it's time I examined a few things in life.  Things Joel wanted me to do:

1.  Get on with life
2.  Be successful
3.  Be Happy
4.  Not mope over him
5.  Find love.
6.  Take time to do what I want, follow MY dreams

Let's examine these individually:

1.  Get on with life... well it took a while and 2 dear friends that are 2 of the 3 guys that while I love them all as brothers - they are the few that can give me verbal kicks up the arse and tell me to buck up and get on.  They did it in their own ways. Matt got me to listen to 'Another Suitcase in Another Hall'... and 'What happens now?!' pretty much summed up my life back in June.  And I had to answer him... I didn't have a clue back then. I have a much clearer picture now.  Graham a few weeks later asked me 'When will I be ready to 'move on'... when will the time be right?'  but basically he said to me what back then I wasn't ready to take in, or take on board.  Then Bryan, well let's just say he got it thru to me.  I love him dearly but when he wants to be he can be blunt.... y'know, like a bit of 4 by 2!! LOL  He basically said what Graham said but after I'd hit rock bottom, after I'd had a breakdown, and when I was ready to crawl back up the other side.  Well I didn't think I was ready but he handed me the ladder and the tools.  He gave me direction and purpose... with his help I made a 5 year plan.  But like any good teacher he broke it down into bite size bits for me.  It's nigh on impossible and I told him so for me to envision where I'll be in 5 years time and doing what .... he asked what my dreams were and little by little we broke it down to weekly, monthly, 6 months time, a year... and so on.... it wasn't that difficult once I knew where I was going and my purpose in life!!

2.  Be successful - well I've sold 2 cards up to now.  I'm working in the right direction of being successful, and I have the determination to succeed!

3.  Be Happy - I'm working on it.  I'm not UNhappy.  But there are certain things would have to happen for me to be perfectly happy.  I'm not looking for happiness, just looking to be not UNhappy.  In that I'd say I'm fairly successful.  It's impossible for me to be happy ALL the time.  I still miss Joel... A LOT.  When I can't have my favourite people around, and if I don't see one of the people I love (Mam, Bry, Deb, Dan, Norman, Carl, Gaynor or the people at the Beehive, to name a few) every day, then the longer it goes without seeing one of them the more lonely I feel, and I do still get depressed.  Thankfully, I normally only go a maximum of 2 days without seeing at least one of these guys!! And they are in contact by phone or email all the time!!

4.  Not mope over him.  MOSTLY been successful on this one but there are days when I do still just sit there and bawl my eyes out over him, or I'll find something that was his and cry.  That said I still scream at him when I find ANOTHER disk, like this morning, with "Stuff" written on it... yes Joel darling but WHAT stuff?!  That may have been helpful to know!!  I haven't had TIME to mope thanks to friends and family.  It is at night, when I'm alone and no one around... that's when I 'lose it' and cry into my pillows.

5.  Find love - ah yeah bit of a sore point at the moment.  I'll gloss over that one for now if I may.  Well it's not a secret so .... I did find love, I still love that person, but circumstances are such that we can't be together.  Strangely, that is pretty much what happened to me and Joel!! 14 years ago now!! *grin*

6.  Take time to follow my dreams and do what I want:  well I do take more time for myself now.... and *shock horror* I RELAX (faints cuz I said the R word!!!)  but that's thanks to someone special.  It's still difficult for me to actually take time for myself, but I've managed to reach a compromise.  I do things for all my friends like I used to just the same, BUT I also take time for myself!  I put my feet up... unheard of!!  I stop doing work and sit down with a cuppa when I feel I need it.... Yes, yes, you know who I'm talking to here... give yourself a pat on the back and do the 'Big and Clever' dance too... or the Snoopy one *wink*

Oh and I'd like to give a hugs shout out to Stevie Fairless today, for sending me the 2 photos below... thank you so so much hun!!!

Love you and miss ya Joel, you'll always be special to all of us!!

If anyone can identify the other guy in this photo please tell me!!

FINALLY... the bottom......or the brick wall.

I'm still not sure which it was, but whatever it was I've hit it.... hard!

People if you are reading this and you care, I'm gonna need you more than ever in the next couple of weeks, months or however long this is gonna take.  Get me thru to the Tribute Evening at least, after that if I need to I can collapse, as I think I nearly did tonight.  I'm shaking at the moment but not half of what I was doing earlier.

I have to give HUGE thanks to my dear friends Craig and Mary for once again picking up the pieces of what is left of my life.  Some people (and for clarification to the people I AM talking about I'm NOT talking about Deb here... what was said, was said, even before the public apology we'd worked it out and she was and always will be a dear sister) I have been seriously hurt by what some people have been saying about me.  Yes I HAVE been spending time around the same set of people, but these are people who have stood by me thru EVERYTHING for years...and they don't care (well they do... but I hope you'll 'get' what I mean) if I'm sitting there in the same top I've worn for the last week, with no make up on, my hair a mess and my eyes puffy and red... it's then they make me a strong coffee, let me cry some more, hand me the tissues and just hug me.  For that I am eternally grateful.  They have seen me at my worst.  I said they don't care.... that's the worst terminology ever...it's where the English language falls down... well no... correction, it's where my brain not functioning beyond about a 5,000 word vocabulary (as opposed to my normally much larger one) doesn't help.  CARING about and LOVING me is the one thing they are doing.  Again sounds childish but I don't really give a damn what other people think right now, I just care about what I'm going thru but 'Yah Boo Sucks' if people don't like it but I have to give a big shout out to the following people:

Craig
Mary
Bry
Deb (and Dan)
Mam
Dad
Rach
Olly
Helen P (texts if you don't know Sis)
Ste C (FB messages)
Norman, Carl, Kris and Mel

For helping me thru the worst of this.... so far.  Rach, Olly and Bry were there for the start of it, Mam was there last night when although I thought it was just the 2 bottles of white wine (Matt if you are reading this you KNOW what I'm like with WHITE wine....and about now he'll be rolling his eyes and saying 'Oh God you did WHAT?!'), cough medicine and paracetamol....

....ah yeah should clarify that was a TOTAL accident.  We'd had the wine, I'd gone up to get ready for bed as wine was making me sleepy....had my cough medicine, got out a menthol sucky sweet to suck on while I read for a while and took 2 paracetamol...ok yeah big deal a lot of you will be thinking BUT these were 2 x 500mg ones and the big issue here... I took them without thinking when I'd had alcohol.  BAD SIGN.  That I immediately realised and went and drank loads of water meant only that I had a very sound night's sleep but it's scared me.  While yes, I AM feeling suicidal.... feeling and doing anything so stupid are 2 things altogether.  I'm starting to realise (thanks guys) that there are a lot of people out there that actually 'give a shit' about me!!

Several text messages (various people) and phone calls later and I'm feeling sort of 'I can bear this pain'.... but was only a temporary put off... and I totally lost it.  Craig and Mary are absolute ROCKS of friends.  Mary supplied the hugs, Craig provided the coffee and the tissues!! and both just let me talk about how I felt... both physically and emotionally and mentally.... and both have persuaded me to go to the docs in the morning for an emergency appointment....then going back to theirs cuz they don't want me on my own in this state.  Hopefully I'll have calmed down enough by the weekend to be able to function well enough to be Bry's roadie for the Beehive at least.  Maybe a good sing song will do me good.

Shout out goes out to Dawn too for sitting here half the night with me just talking and letting me get things out of my system cuz I'm hurting.  I don't like what I'm going thru, I don't know until I go to the doc tomorrow what I'm going thru but I've been here before when Mark was killed by a drunk driver and I'd say if I know anything about grief stuff that I've gone straight from Denial to Depression (if you know the Kuebler-Ross model).... thing is it's not all that easy to describe.... but let me try.


Head/Mind/Brain is NUMB... the only part of me that is and feeling 'spaced' and I haven't had any drugs other than my amitryptiline (anti-depressant) and paracetamol (to get temperature down as I have cold/flu)
Heart - hurting a lot, some palpitations
Stomach - feeling sick
Body generally going hot and cold, shaking, pins and needles and feeling like I'm being 'pressed' from all sides


So yeah... not doing good so all hugs, friendship, madness etc needed right now...  I'm so not doing well.

Didn't We Almost Have It All

I think today I'd better catch you up on a few things and I'm in particularly Whitney Houston-esque mood today so that helps set the theme for me.

I've chosen 'Didn't we almost have it all' for two reasons.  Joel obviously.  Now recent events mean that some people think that I don't and didn't love Joel.  NOT TRUE.  Anyone who really knows me KNOWS I gave that man more than most women could and would have done.  I still have a place in my heart for him and anyone that denies that is (no disrespect meant to my partially sighted and blind friends here) blind.  I spent 3.5 years of my life giving him my love, respect, time, liberty and everything else.

People might say that was my 'duty' and that since Joel was ill, only 'right' that I look after him.  In one way you'd be correct in your assumptions of that.  But right or wrong I have been taught in the last week that while that might have been the situation then, I need to take some well earned and yes, DESERVED 'ME' time.  Amongst other people there are 5 people that I think stand out on being advocates for the 'Pol you need some me time' Brigade and to them I am grateful..... Rachel and Olly Witty for taking me to Scotland and helping me face a lot of my demons about life after Joel; Gill Slane.... for just being Gill.  Without her and Joel (and now other people) I wouldn't still be here...; Craig Purvis who is forever telling me to slow down, take some time for me; and last but definitely not ever least, my dearest dearest friend and brother, who means the world to me, Bryan.... now I have to explain that one... why the others are just 'Thanks' and Bry is 'my dearest dearest friend and brother who means the world to me'.... the others do.... but Bry is special (and no Craig, not 'window licking special LOL LOL... well ok he's that TOO!! *grin*)

Bry has taught me in a short space of time... literally from last Friday, how easy it CAN be to have 'me time'.  How it doesn't need to cost anything but a little bit of prior planning (yes Bry... 6P's LOL Prior Planning Prevents....*grin*) in a lot of cases. Let me give you a diary of my week...

Friday - after much wind up from the king of all wind up merchants (Bryan...I thought Joel was bad.... hell, Joely took lessons from Bry, trust me!! LOL) over the space of 3 days as to where we were going out on Friday night, he took me to see The Searchers in concert at the Whitley Bay Playhouse.  Now.... to you that might not mean anything, to me it was 2.5 hours of absolute bliss!!  Downtime listening to one of my favourite bands with my best mate..... for once I was sitting down doing NOWT, and enjoying myself!

Saturday - I did absolutely sweet FA on Saturday and it was great!!  Actually I think I helped Bryan get some of his disco/karaoke stuff sorted out, which is fine cuz I'm training up to be a DJ so it does help to know what goes where and does what!!

Sunday - Alnwick Castle with Rachel and Olly - History is one of my big loves and to tramp around a castle when the weather wasn't the best was great.  Also had some fun time with Gill, Matt and Cian.  You want some 'me' time if you aren't a parent..... take time out to play with a toddler.  When it's my darling 'monkeyboy' nephew Cian, he's such an adorable handful your blues will all blow away.

Monday - Rossalyn Chapel en route to Balloch.  Once we were at Balloch and had unpacked, made the beds then gone shopping we did just collapse and watch movies.  I stayed up until 2am (well was longer than that) because I was awaiting the arrival of Bryan who was joining us for the holiday and someone had to heat up his Chicken Chow Mien!! However, it was after Tuesday that my lessons in 'me time' really started.

Tuesday - Anyone who knows me will know that I have this problem with the R word.  I run around like a headless chicken trying to look after everyone and everything and take little or no time for myself.  Rachel and Olly went out for the day and Bryan made it his mission to make me relax (oh oh there you go I've said the R word LOL).  First I had my neck and shoulders massaged.  That troublesome trapezius muscle of mine that has been giving me pain and stopping me sleeping for a while is now not wound up to distraction.... bliss! Now I only have the clicky neck LOL .... put it down to old age that one!!  And my feet.  They aren't perfectly baby soft by a long chalk, but they aren't calloused to hell and I can walk without pain.  I have had them scraped, moisturised and massaged, and it was wonderful!  1 hour of 'me time'.... Must do it more often!!  It was the best anniversary pressie ever Bry, so thanks to my darling bro and best man to Joel, bestest mate to me.

Wednesday - The 'me time' today wasn't very pleasant, but was very much needed.  Part of the reason Rach and Olly took me to Balloch, to the exact same campsite as me and Joel were on honeymoon at the same week near enough (at least to encompass the wedding and handfasting anniversaries) was to help me try to release some of the grief, to actually let it out which I haven't been.  Well, I have now.  I sat around feeling lousy all day, and yes, it was Bryan (I'm sorry if I'm talking a lot about him on this blog but he has been an absolute BRICK... and in the words of Father Jack 'I love my brick!' LOL.... this week and always, looking after me for Joel, and just cuz he's my best friend too) just said 'Talk'.  Sounds easy but it isn't.  Trust me it isn't.  Getting all the hurt of the last 4 months out of my system was one of the hardest things to start doing.... yes START doing.  I'm afraid that Bry got a bit of a wet t-shirt shoulder!!

Thursday - If Bryan thought his t-shirt was wet (who needs a washing machine when Pol in full grief mode is around LOL!!) on Wed, it was nowt to how it was on Thursday.  I needed a catalyst and Bry had his laptop with him sorting some stuff out for his DJ work so I asked him to play some 'choons'...Now, stupid thing is that I've played these songs a million times over here, and I'm immune to them here but hearing them there and with the emotions running high anyhow.... lets say it was a bloody good job I wasn't wearing make up.  I just totally 'lost it'  I mean properly.  Not the 'few' tears that I've shed in the last few months.  This was as much as all those crying jags put together and then some, this was the feeling sick with how much crying I was doing, the can't get the words out even on sobs type crying.  What I had lost FINALLY sunk in. 

Bryan did drive me down to the handfasting site (well ok to the car park then we walked TO the site)... what was left of it.  The dearth of British Summer this year and all the rain of that and the Scottish Monsoon Season meant that my beautiful handfasting site was totally flooded out.  If you look at the pics of the handfasting the picnic table we are all sitting around... that was under water practically to the level of the top of the table.... the water was about 2 foot from the path where people were walking their dogs.  So after a bit of meditation/thoughts we de-camped to another higher (!) picnic table to chat, relax and watch squirrels playing, then walked back to the car via the pub and had a pint just chatting.... that was my real down time for the day.

Friday - coming back in the car with Bryan via Gill's was an experience.  I knew he could sing.... but WOW!!  It was like having my own personal concert!  If you EVER get Bry on his own (not happening LOL LOL, he's MY singer heheheehe, I demand the rights to be his agent!! LOL LOL) get him to sing Gethsemane from Jesus Christ Superstar.... OMG!! That drive was magical because I felt a) tingly from Bryan's singing b) RELAXED (yes ok full marks, brownie points, Special Chow Mien when you want it, THOSE rock cakes on demand and full bags of satsumas for you m'dear!! *grin*) fully for the first time in years and c) purged.  I realised finally after a week of 'conditioning' (LOL) by some dear friends that it's ok to be angry, upset, take time out for myself, have a less than perfectly clean house if I'm taking some time for ME, because if I DON'T, I'm going to end up in hospital.  I'm still close to it now, for one reason or another.

I'll finish with another Whitney.  This is pretty much self-explanatory:

And also, this one is for Bryan

Thanks m'dear for believing in me xx

Hugs to everyone... I'm still reeling a bit from this past week, will take me a while to recover, so if you don't hear from me, give me a poke.

Hugs, Pol xx

It's been a while

It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while
Since I first saw you
It's been a while
since I could stand on my own two feet again
and it's been a while
since I could call you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been a while
since i could say that I wasn't addicted and
It's been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

Its been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
and it's been awhile
since I said I'm sorry
It's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
It's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
I know it's me I cannot blame this on my father
he did the best he could for me

It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while since I said I'm sorry 

 This pretty much sums it up how I'm feeling today.  I would apologise for the the lyrics but no, I've said worse and these are the lyrics, if you don't like it sorry but it totally fits my mood right now.  Let's take this a bit at a time:

It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while
Since I first saw you 

Well.... ever since I lost Joel, I've had to mask exactly how I'm feeling inside.  Not because people wouldn't understand, far from it... more that if I let loose, then I'm going to really lose all the sanity in me (but that's a whole other song!! But that one [My Immortal, Evanescence] covers the way I feel too), and of course, it's been a while (15 years almost) since I first clapped eyes on him.

It's been a while
since i could stand on my own two feet again
and it's been a while
since I could call you 

Had it not been for the lovely friends I have, I would be a bigger mess than I am.  I've literally been being propped up by some awesome friends.  Big shout outs go to:

Norman, Carl and Kris

Craig

Mary

Joe and Sam

Mam and Dad

Bryan

Helen

Mark (Maverick)

John (Maughan)

All my online friends who send me messages and anyone that texts me regularly to keep me... ahem "sane" (<<a relative term!!)

And of course, I got a little teary (OK who am I trying to kid... I was bawling my eyes out last night for hours to the extent that when I went to the therapists today she asked if I had Conjunctivitis!) last night cuz I still have Joel's number listed in the phone book on my phone... I have this feeling about deleting him, feels like I'm trying to delete him from my life, not true as you all know but.... 

But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means 

I'm literally facing clinical exhaustion.  I went to the doctor (and guess what she told me, guess what she told me... sorry LOL, trying to cheer myself up a bit here!) and she told me to REST. Hahahahahaahahahaha... does she know who she's talking to?! 'Rest' and 'Relax' are two things that other people do... although there are certain people who shall remain nameless who text me and say 'What you doing, stop it now, go and put your feet up, REST!!' or words to that effect.  And one house (not my own) where I literally take my shoes off at the door and I have been known to put my feet up (*SHOCK HORROR*) because I do feel like I BELONG there!!  So for those brief oasii of rest, thank you... and Craig, Bry, and a few other people... keep brow beating me (I know you do it in a nice way m'dears) into resting.  If you don't keep on at me, well.... you know what I'm like!!

It's been a while
since i could say that I wasn't addicted and
It's been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and
It's been a while 

Addicted only to Joel that is.  As for loving myself... I never have, never did... getting some self esteem back but I live for others.  That's just me.

Why must I feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day  

I think I say this to myself daily.... yes, it still hurts.  Will I ever feel 'normal' again???

Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
It's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
I know it's me I cannot blame this on my father
he did the best he could for me 

Joel loved candles, yes I can still remember the way he tasted... normally of curry or something equally spicy or pork crackling!!... One of the few things we 'fought' over!!

And the last line I'm taking totally out of context..... he did the best he could for me... Joel that is... always.  He gave me back my life, not by dying.... no, not at all... but by loving me.  For that as much as anything I will never forget him, and never stop having a special place in my heart for him... EVER....

Well I just thought I'd update you before the anniversary, I'll be a mess after!

Love you all xxxxxoooooxxxxx

I need a diary!!

And I thought LAST week was busy!! LOL

Put it this way, if I thought my life had been busy it's nothing on what it's BEEN getting lately!!  I am on a social WHIRL. 

I spent 2 days preparing a meal fit for a king... or 2 friends... this was the Menu:



Cold Hors D'Oeuvres (green and black olives, homemade houmous and dipping straws, pastrami roses, mixed nuts and fruit, veggie crisps), 

Starters of homemade prawn cocktail on fresh picked lettuce OR homemade potato and onion soup with fresh chives and cream and homemade crusty rolls (which will be warm straight out of the oven), 

Main course of Roast pork, roasties, pommes dauphinoise (mashed tatties with cream, butter, fresh parsley and garlic), carrots, broccoli, cabbage, green beans, peas and sweetcorn, homemade yorkies, homemade gravy, homemade stuffing, and homemade apple (with mustard and honey) sauce. 

Pudding choice of 3 cheesecakes - Kir Royale Champagne and Raspberry, Vanilla Profiterole Flake, or Baked Vanilla and Fudge Chocolate Drizzle. 

Cheeseboard, Coffee and choccies...... I think we'll all need to have a 10 mile hike after!!

As it happened we all opted for the prawn cocktail so my friends took the soup home with them, and we were so stuffed we skipped the cheeseboard.  However had to make sure they took enough cheesecake home to give their son and gf a taste and 2nds for them!!  Move over Delia and Nigella... Pol Milburn is in town LOL LOL

Anyhow... this week is going to be a bit busy too.... tomorrow shopping with Mam (let's face it I NEED to go shopping to be honest, almost out of washing up liquid, washing powder and fabric conditioner and need to get stuff for Wednesday.

Tuesday at the moment I'm pretty free, Wednesday I'm having friends over for tea (and the female contingent over for the day) and doing curry, tikka and naan!

Thursday free for the minute, Friday I am going to see friend for return visit during the day, then I'm going for a meal with my dear 'sister' Helen at an italian restaurant!

Saturday free, Sunday torn between Trillians Quiz Night and karaoke at the Beehive... I might need to start alternating Sundays!!

And soon I shall be going to Scotland with Rach and Olly... my diary is filling up too...MAY be going to a Halloween bash, 2nd weekend in Nov I'm getting my first ever tattoo, and I'll be doing other stuff too, guaranteed!!

I'll keep you posted!

Oh and how am I coping... well, I'm still having weepy fits.  Just suddenly started bawling my eyes out for no reason other than I realised how much I missed Joel the other day.  People keeping me busy helps but I hadn't felt him while my houseguest was here mind, him and the houseguest weren't the best of buddies shall we say!  He's been back now (as in I've felt him around) but I just was missing him so much I had a bawling session.... they keep happening, but I guess that I'll get over it eventually.

Here's some pics of Joel for you

The last one in memory of my cat Chilli who passed away last week.

A quick catch up

Sorry guys, I need to slllloooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww dooooooooooooown but not possible at the moment, but I'm paying for it.

Take this week for example:

Last night - karaoke in South Shields, back about midnight
Today - day off but was painting Warhammer models between running to the toilet as I have the runs
Tues - meeting with boss woman and then learning the new rules at Games Workshop then meeting Norman at 4pm
Wed - meeting Ethan for coffee
Thurs and Fri - babysitting
Saturday - shopping and charity gig in Newcastle (staying overnight in Newcastle) then
Sunday - meeting friends for dinner, going to Premier Inn and checking in and getting ready for party then meal in Taybarns, and karaoke until 1am at the Beehive
Monday - round South Shields
Tuesday - in Trillians from 12 noon for my b'day!!

And....I'm not coping all that well.

I broke down at karaoke last night.  It's not Bryan's fault at all... but he sang this song:

Joel used to sing it to me and the lyrics kinda kicked me in the stomach.

  These lyrics particularly:

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

Nothing is ever enough like the BeeGees song (Words are all I have....)... which is totally untrue.  You can show someone in a million little ways that you love them.  The words help.

Mentioning love... it was wonderful to see old friends (Dionne, Simon, Phil, Bryan) on Friday and meet new ones (Lee, Richie).

Oh and the tribute evening is OFFICIALLY booked!!  Too bad we can't have it in the Mayfair (R.I.P.) but there will be fond memories!!

Here's a recently found pic of Joel for you:

I need to slow down... will someone PLEASE after 19th August find Joel's handcuffs and chains and do something that he would have done and CHAIN me to the bed (No, no get mind OFF that line of thought I mean so I don't move... um... just hire me a JCB LOL.... I mean so I didn't do anything.... he'd be off playing Guild Wars LOL!!)  I need a rest, and my body is telling me this.

Hugs, and will catch up when I can.