I was reliving some time, couldn't even tell you when because we were outdoors and just sitting in a garden, I think at his parents (since it was a nice orderly garden, tho being a dream it didn't look exactly like Mam's garden does now) and messing around with the dogs, playing silly games, hugging, kissing, him giving me wet willies (for those that might put a different connotation on this, it's when you wet your finger and shove it in someone's ear!!) and tickling matches etc. I can remember the silly, maniacal laughter which reminded me so much of the day when I'd gone upstairs to the computer room, he'd gone down to the toilet, my computer had gone into the security mode. While I'd been downstairs he'd changed the 'bingbong' sound of Windows 7 starting up AND my desktop picture (I was MOST upset, I didn't have a copy of that picture - it was a purple fairy with a dragon... but sweetheart that he was he spent 3 days on Google Images finding me the same picture again bless him!!) to a picture of... and get it right here... IL POSTINI PAT (note not Postman Pat, he felt since it wasn't Postman Pat but Il Postini Pat [like doing it in Italian for someone that is a linguist is really going to make a lot of difference!!] he was going to get away with it... He did, he gave me the puppy dog eyes, and when it was Joel and THOSE eyes, and loving him so much... could I really NOT forgive him... simple answer, NO!!) and the theme music. I HATE, LOATHE and DESPISE Postman Pat!!! After a scream trying to turn the [CENSORED!!] thing off and "JOEL THOMAS MILBURN I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!" shouted down the stairs, even from the bathroom, without hearing aids (I only got them on 22nd June this year) I distinctly heard the "Teeheeeheeeheeeeheee".
But anyhow back to the dream... as I was saying we all had lots of fun in the garden, then all of a sudden he stands up and says, "I love you, but I'm going now." I woke up and had such a feeling of emptiness, my heart, stomach, mind all crying out for something it couldn't have. That was about 2am, and I tossed and turned for the rest of the night. Couldn't settle even reading a book, looking at his photo and listening to his voice singing Glycerine... nothing would shake off the feeling of emptiness. It really hit me hard. It's not like I DON'T know he's gone, oh believe me I know that only too well, but I 'feel' him around me in so many things. I'm always saying things like 'Remember when Joel....' or 'I never put mushrooms in a curry because Joel couldn't stand them....'. All little things that sort of keep him alive and remind me how much love we have for each other. That's right, no past tense about that. I don't care if you don't believe in an afterlife... Joel wasn't sure either. He was a realist and a scientist, he HOPED there was something more after this life, but couldn't guarantee it but we both agreed that to TRUE love like ours, there was no end. One of the reasons that we didn't have the words 'Til Death Do Us Part' in either the wedding or handfasting, and a BIG reason that we got handfasted 'for this life and all that is to come beyond...'. If love stopped because of the death of a spouse, why then do we grieve? That was Joel's argument and one I'm sticking to, since I can't think of another explanation that is better!
Anyhow, I finally got out of bed at 11am ish when I finally gave up on trying to catch a GOOD dream to chase away the feeling of utter emptiness.
I lay sunbathing (yeah, me, sunbathing) in the garden with Mam and Auntie Pauline, then when I started to get a bit of a headache (I'm prone to them with sunlight, despite having my shades AND a hat on!) I went inside and started to write.
These are what I wrote:
|What? You were thinking of forgetting me?! Bow before thy master!!! ;o)|