Thursday, 14 July 2011

My Muse is with me....or is it just Melancholy?

Well today has been a day of opposites.  I spent a really HORRIBLE night trying to sleep after the strangest dream ever (and trust me, I've had some strange dreams in my time!!)....let me relate it to you.

I was reliving some time, couldn't even tell you when because we were outdoors and just sitting in a garden, I think at his parents (since it was a nice orderly garden, tho being a dream it didn't look exactly like Mam's garden does now) and messing around with the dogs, playing silly games, hugging, kissing, him giving me wet willies (for those that might put a different connotation on this, it's when you wet your finger and shove it in someone's ear!!) and tickling matches etc.  I can remember the silly, maniacal laughter which reminded me so much of the day when I'd gone upstairs to the computer room, he'd gone down to the toilet, my computer had gone into the security mode.  While I'd been downstairs he'd changed the 'bingbong' sound of Windows 7 starting up AND my desktop picture (I was MOST upset, I didn't have a copy of that picture - it was a purple fairy with a dragon... but sweetheart that he was he spent 3 days on Google Images finding me the same picture again bless him!!) to a picture of... and get it right here... IL POSTINI PAT (note not Postman Pat, he felt since it wasn't Postman Pat but Il Postini Pat [like doing it in Italian for someone that is a linguist is really going to make a lot of difference!!] he was going to get away with it... He did, he gave me the puppy dog eyes, and when it was Joel and THOSE eyes, and loving him so much... could I really NOT forgive him... simple answer, NO!!) and the theme music.  I HATE, LOATHE and DESPISE Postman Pat!!!  After a scream trying to turn the [CENSORED!!] thing off and "JOEL THOMAS MILBURN I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!" shouted down the stairs, even from the bathroom, without hearing aids (I only got them on 22nd June this year) I distinctly heard the "Teeheeeheeeheeeeheee".

But anyhow back to the dream... as I was saying we all had lots of fun in the garden, then all of a sudden he stands up and says, "I love you, but I'm going now."  I woke up and had such a feeling of emptiness, my heart, stomach, mind all crying out for something it couldn't have.  That was about 2am, and I tossed and turned for the rest of the night.  Couldn't settle even reading a book, looking at his photo and listening to his voice singing Glycerine... nothing would shake off the feeling of emptiness.  It really hit me hard.  It's not like I DON'T know he's gone, oh believe me I know that only too well, but I 'feel' him around me in so many things. I'm always saying things like 'Remember when Joel....' or 'I never put mushrooms in a curry because Joel couldn't stand them....'.  All little things that sort of keep him alive and remind me how much love we have for each other.  That's right, no past tense about that.  I don't care if you don't believe in an afterlife... Joel wasn't sure either.  He was a realist and a scientist, he HOPED there was something more after this life, but couldn't guarantee it but we both agreed that to TRUE love like ours, there was no end.  One of the reasons that we didn't have the words 'Til Death Do Us Part' in either the wedding or handfasting, and a BIG reason that we got handfasted 'for this life and all that is to come beyond...'.  If love stopped because of the death of a spouse, why then do we grieve?  That was Joel's argument and one I'm sticking to, since I can't think of another explanation that is better!

Anyhow, I finally got out of bed at 11am ish when I finally gave up on trying to catch a GOOD dream to chase away the feeling of utter emptiness.

I lay sunbathing (yeah, me, sunbathing) in the garden with Mam and Auntie Pauline, then when I started to get a bit of a headache (I'm prone to them with sunlight, despite having my shades AND a hat on!) I went inside and started to write.

These are what I wrote:


Like clouds racing o'er the sky someplace
My love for you goes on forever
In the never-ending skies of love

You are the sun, arise and kill this gloom
Or dance with the stars, as I am you Moon
In the never-ending skies of love

In the constellation of love, thou art a star
Brightest and strongest light by far
In the never-ending skies of love

Let me come and live with thee
Forever, together, for Eternity
In the never-ending skies of love

Let me be by your side
From sunset to sunrise
In the never-ending skies of love

As clouds I'll brush by your face
And forever by my sun I'll race
In the never-ending skies of love.


If love was like a raindrop
The numbers that fall would clearly tell
A story of devotion
And love deep as a well

If love was like the raindrops
On roofs, beating a tattoo
You'd know I love thee no less
Than the day I said 'I do!'

If love was like a raindrop
And emulated in my tears
They would fill an ocean
Since the day I lost you dear

If love is in the raindrops
That fall down from the sky
In every shower I'll feel you
And your love, which never dies.


Can you still feel me
Wherever you are my love?
Can you still tell
I still love you, my love?

Do you still know
I want you here, my dear?
Do you still know
I need you so near, my dear?

Wish you were here
Right by me, my darling?
Wish you were kissing 
and cuddling me, my darling?

I can still feel you
in my heart, my Angel
I can still feel you
Your love goes on, my Angel

Know that I love you
Joely, my love
Know that I need you
Joel, my love

Know that I'll never
forget you, my darling
Know that I'll always
forever, love you.

Handfasted, heartbound
and eternally loved
Joel, my immorato
Eternally, loved.

(all (c) Paula Milburn 2011)

I'm not sure about the last one actually.  I've had the idea for 'Raindrops' since the day he passed, since Joel loved the rain so much, as for 'Skies of Love'... that is one I wrote (but there was only ever one copy and that was given to a friend, written for him for his girlfriend) years ago... and it has since been amended.

I felt a little better after that, listened to the 5 songs I have of Joel singing and playing his guitar (thanks Magenta.... love you forever for that!!) and started reading 'The Thief of Time' by Terry Prachett.  There's something about a good Discworld book and a cup of tea (thanks Mam!!) that makes everything right with the world (Roundworld that is!!) again, and some sort of 'balance' came back into my life and I stopped feeling so empty.  

Something (or SomeONE if you believe in that sort of thing) made it clear to me, it was I (I had to go back and correct that from 'it was ME...' I could 'hear' Joel sarcastically commenting 'And you have WHAT grade at A level English?!' LOL) who am married to him, it is I (no need to correct that time hehehe) who is Mrs J.T. Milburn.  It is I, who for the last 9 months of his life was his wife, for the last 3.5 years was his fiance and for the last 4 years almost was his girlfriend, and it was I that had his love, and HAVE his love as I can still feel it.  He wasn't going out of my life, he never will.  He wasn't stopping loving me, he never could.  He was probably just going to do what he always said he would probably do when he died (and he wasn't being morbid here, it was in connection with when my Dad died, I wanted to know what someone that didn't believe in heaven did, and he said this....) which is to 'go gallivanting around the universe exploring.  No need for spacesuits or special breathing equipment since your mortal body is already dead you don't have to worry about um... dying!!'  Seemed logical at the time and let's face it he LOVED space, stars, planets and science in general.

And I love him, and miss him... but now I know that he's still around.  Even if you don't believe in spirits looking out for those they love, his MEMORY is here, he existed, and while people remember him, and miss him, and love him..... he's still here!

What?  You were thinking of forgetting me?!  Bow before thy master!!! ;o)

Chat to you all tomorrow!!


  1. Well I plan to put at least 1 pic up each day!! All of Joel, him and me, or him and someone!! *grin* Get printing!!

  2. hey babes.
    I was a non-believer about spirits until Kallista's mam died when I was 8 months pregnant with my eldest. She came to visit Annabeth when she was born, helped her through her illness and still comes round and checks on her from time to time. I've heard her through the baby monitor and always smell lilies when she visits.
    Tell Bob to come visit us for a couple of hours, it's stampede this week and they are introducing deep fried snickers to the calgarians. I know he'd have a good laugh there.
    thinking of you both.

  3. Hi Jennifer,

    Deep Fried SNICKERS... ye gads and I thought deep fried Mars Bars sounded bad enough!! *grin* I'll send His Nibs round for a bit, let me know if you see/hear/feel him... or just hear the maniacal gleeful laughter sometime... if you do you'll be convinced he's Loki's little brother LOL.... Mischief his middle name (it's Thomas actually but it SHOULD've been mischief!!)