I must be allergic to Mackems hehehehe.
But seriously I'm feeling ILL. I need to get better before Friday (tall order) as that's when I'm heading north to Bonnie Scotland to see the divine Gillybean, Matty and Cian for their housewarming, and I can scarely wait to see them all again!
I think to be honest the last month and a bit is starting to show... quite apart from missing Joel like crazy still (more on this later), the tempo of life has been so much that I've barely stopped. While this has been fun, it's taking it's toll and my body can't keep up with it. I'm not complaining about the weight loss with the increased activity coupled with the not eating properly (nor sleeping totally right despite the anti-depressants supposedly relaxing me enough to sleep), but take tonight for example. Picked at my tea, had loads to drink and I ache everywhere. I'm talking PHYSICAL hurt here, not emotional... tho that goes without saying that I have emotional and mental anguish. About the only bit that isn't aching is my head! Everything from feet/toes to neck and ends of fingers. As my darling 'sister' Dawn would say "Did you catch the number of that MAC truck" yeah it ran over me, reversed and tried again a couple of times!! I really feel a) drained b) sore c) worn out. Let's just see, quite apart from the emotional stress/grief etc.... what I've been going thru the last however long it is:
15th June - lost Joel
16th June - had funeral director round (morning), registered death (afternoon)
17-22nd June - various meetings with funeral director, and also getting forms etc collected and filled in for benefit/funeral payment
23rd June - Cremation
24-26th June at Mam's
27th finally came home
28th June - 2nd July (and still but mostly that week/end) house clearing, sorting Joel's stuff, moving heavy boxes of stuff up/down the stairs, carting rubbish to tip
4th July - had forms checked by JCP Consett
15th July - Mam's birthday
(sometime that week, several days out/at Mam's with Auntie Pauline who was visiting)
(Also during this time various days/nights out with Norman/Carl and Bryan)
22nd- 24th July Weekend in Manchester
26th July Day out in Sunderland
(while all of this is going on I'm still doing housework, going thru all of Joel's clothes and washing them and having an ongoing battle with the DWP to give me money owed.)
And seemingly I can't stop yet!!
THIS weekend I'm going to Edinburgh and when I get back, straight to karaoke. Then Fri 5th I have my mate Matt arriving for 2 weeks... in that time I have a house party on 6th, meal out and karaoke night on 14th and various day trips, then 27th August I'm back down to Manchester for a wedding, then 11th -16th September I'm in Scotland (1 night in Edinburgh the rest in Balloch)....
Oh hey, don't think I'm COMPLAINING that people want to spend so much time with me, I'm not... least not MENTALLY or EMOTIONALLY... it's just my BODY is protesting!! I'm hoping that the times I'm away can be relaxed some of the time.
Something I've realised today is that I honestly don't know how to live life when I'm not running around making sure it's everyone else that's ok. I have this inbuilt desire to fix the world's problems and I'm not used to putting myself as Number 1. Joel was the same, but when he was here (physically) it was easier because we'd be looking out for each other, so while I DID get run down as he was ill and I was doing wifely duties of looking after sick hubby, I did have someone to yell 'ENOUGH POL, SLOW DOWN... MAKE A CUPPA' or words to that effect, enough for me to take a breather anyhow. On the days when he felt worst he would just have me go and lay with him to cuddle him..... not something I minded in the least.... which is where my next thing comes in.
Today it hit me like the said MAC truck that he's not here.... least not physically. And today, despite it being threatening to rain when I get cold, I get REALLY cold. I've actually had the big halogen heater on in the computer room with the door closed. it's been seriously COLD. Made big mistake, turned naturally to ask Joel if I could have a cuddle to warm up and broke down crying as he wasn't there to cuddle. Trouble is, spiritual tho I am... I couldn't feel him around like I normally can either. I finally stopped crying when the whole room felt warmer, spots of rain on the window, and I could feel him again.
I was a little annoyed with him so played out this scenario in my head:
"Oh so I'm THAT important that I get upset and you just let me cry rather than come running?!"
"I did come running, Darling, but it's a long way from Alpha Centuri and I can only move at the speed of light!"
Also today I was listening to my MP3 player which has LOADS of tracks from Nine Inch Nails to Lonnie Doneghan's "My Old Man's a Dustman" and everything between! Well one of the 'in between' was this:
My name is Joel Milburn hear, and in Trills you'd see me leer,
Over a pint of Snake and Black for one pund ten,
Because y'kna we were students pet, and got what y'get
Ye can't get that now, what ye did back then.....
Come on follow this Geordie boy, He'll try and fill your heart with joy
We're singing out for gothdom now
Come on follow this 'Trinity' lad, He'll gonna make your heart feel glad
We're sayin' it now, yes now is the hour
So still managing to find a smile where Joel is concerned but need to SLOW DOWN.... should be able to have fun and not do a lot at Gill's other than have fun fun fun.
And while I didn't particularly like Amy Winehouse's music (other than Rehab which I haven't been able to get out of my head) I didn't by any stretch of the imagination wish her dead. My heart goes out to her family and friends as I know how they feel.
Well, once again I'm late but to my credit I did START writing this on the right day!! *grin* even if I only did 3 words before midnight!
Random pic of Joel time:
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| I said I like CASTLES which are ruins, not wives!! Ok ok A wife!! |
Tomorrow, Love you bloggees!!
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