Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Once More... With Feelings... (yes a gratuitous pinch of the Buffy Musical title!!)

For some reason I've been living my life in songs recently.  I guess it's one way of coping, but I'm finding messages in them, or rather, it's more that things are like a penny dropping... REMINDERS of things I already knew if I'm honest.
Take last night for example.  I've been trying really hard to learn My Immortal (Evanescence/Amy Lee) and You Only Call Me When You're Sober.  YOCMWYS I'm managing bar one TINY bit on timing where it's slightly different to the same words said elsewhere in the song, My Immortal however, I'm hitting the notes perfect but the timing... my old choir master at Rutland Sixth Form College in Oakham would be screaming at me by now.  Anyway.... I decided between that and friends posting some awesome links on Facebook that I'd go looking at some cool songs.
Now the first up was '(Everything I Do) I Do It For You'.  Anyone that knows me will know that I really SHOULDN'T be listening to this because it has been known to make me cry when I'm NOT in a highly emotional state.  However, the song itself wasn't the problem here - two memories evoked from the song were:
 Memory 1:                      
I guess you could say that this song was what it started it all off for me and Joel.  Now I'd MET him before, but insofar as it was 'one of the cute goth males that frequented Trillians/Reds'.  On this particular day I'd got into Trills, thrown a lot of money at the barman, got someone to take the order for a round and disappeared off to the loo (I'd JUST made the train up from Sunderland to Newcastle and it had been a choice of make the train and sit cross-legged and use the loo at Central Station, or wait another 30 mins for the next trian.... I needed company that day so my bladder had to wait!!  Then to cap it all, the loos at Central Station were closed so I hot footed it up to Trills and just made it!! LOL).  I came back via the juke box from memory I chose 3 songs (it ended up being 4 because of my mistake!!)  Sweet Child O'Mine (STILL and ETERNALLY my fav. GnR song), Paradise City, Poison (Alice Cooper)... well it SHOULD've been Poison, but someone bashed into me going to/from the bar and instead of D9 (or whatever) my finger pressed D8 which was 'Everything I do...'  .
Everything was FINE, all chatting away, pinching each others chips (yes Joel Milburn I'm talking about you, I NEVER got a full portion of chips by the time I sat within arms reach of you with a basket of chicken and chips!!  Nor any pizza!! LOL.  Trouble is 'arms length for Joel was about 3 feet!!) etc... until the opening bars of Everything I Do came on.  Joel (forthright Geordie cum Yorkshireman that he is) stops talking mid sentence and with a look of 'my ears are melting, tell me it's not true!!!' says "Who the hell put this crap on?!" looking around 'Goth Corner'... I put a very hesitant hand up (you have to remember I didn't know Joely very well then, and didn't know that he wouldn't hurt a fly unless it was going to a) get his drink or b) his curry!!) and in a small voice said 'Me...'.  'Don't do it again, we'll let you off this time since you're a newbie AAAAAAAAND just bought me chicken and chips and a pint!' he was grinning (that gorgeous, mischievous grin that reached all the way to his eyes and proved that what he was saying was only half meant) because of course I'd bought the pint for him, sure but the chicken and chips was MY lunch... well supposedly!!

Not the wicked mischievous grin but you can see the mischief lurking!!
But it got us talking other than 'Ta, Muchly!' or 'Pint of cheapest lager, please' when I was on 'my round'.  Oh and he NEVER took advantage.  He always initially refused a pint off me as generally he didn't have the money to buy me one back, or least he had the money to by ME one but didn't want to buy something like 50 goths and hangers on a pint!!, so he always said not to bother, when pressed he'd go for the cheapest thing in the bar.  Generally I got him a pint of Heiniken and always got flashed that cute smile of his even if he was in the middle of talking!  That for me was thanks enough (melt, swoon etc LOL). But after this I wasn't just a random face, we actually talked, I had a seat saved and so on.  We became actual FRIENDS not just acquaintances or drinking buddies.... the rest on that one is history!!

Memory 2:
MAAAAAAAAAAAANY years later when we had got married and all that.... well neither of us go to bed that early, but we were always considerate of the neighbours and didn't play music or anything majorly loud after say 8pm, 'normal' volumes for tv up to about 11pm then we'd have it on barely hear it for me. but Joel had it for some background noise.  But we started to do a little thing that was quite sweet, considering we'd cuddle in bed and I could have a hug anytime I liked it was something that Joel started, that in itself surprised me as he wasn't the most romantic person ever.  Loved me to bits, was tender and gentle, but for him to find something cute to do, well.... let's just say I loved it.  The computer room was/is set out (there have been some minor alterations but generally speaking for furniture purposes it's the same) so that the wall that forms the partition between room and the stairwell is a bank of computers... from the door is printer on small chest of drawers (was a small coffee table but ... ) then MY computer desk, a camping table (was the chest of drawers that have since been moved to house the printer) with the 'Media Machine' (my pass grade from the University of St. Joel of Bios Chips and Motherboards LOL... this is the computer I built after Joel had shown me how to not be scared of the internals of a computer LOL) and then THE BEAST aka Joely's quad core sleek black beauty of a computer!!  She's a sweet computer but almost TOO powerful for me!!  So Joel was over by the window.  At stupid o'clock in the morning he would plug in his headphones so that he could listen to stuff (generally one of 3 things, old Calzaghe/Haymaker boxing matches, Cats doing stupid things on YouTube, or Cover versions of his favourite songs on YouTube.... seconded only by the self-imposed 'policing' of "Guitar Hero Play Alongs".... nearly as good as his anti-text talk policing on Facebook!!)  but he'd get exasperated with me if I was tapping his leg all the time to ask things as he'd have to pause what he was doing every 3 mins to take out the headphones to listen to me.  And I used to look so sad according to him so if it wasn't boxing he was listening to, I'm not a huge boxing fan and if I've sen the fight, I'm not that bothered to see it over and over, he'd pull my chair over and put a splitter thing into the speakers so we could connect 2 sets of headphones.  Because that only JUST reached he had to sit with his arm round me and my head on his shoulder (oh SUCH a hardship LOL LOL)... but when he got sick of really terrible renditions of people 'vocally murdering' his favourite songs he'd put something on that we both liked.  One such song was actually Everything I do.  We actually took the headphones off and out of the speakers one night because we were duetting so loud we figured the music wouldn't hurt either... so sat there at 4am singing it to each other with tears (happy tears) streaming down our faces, then the sweetest kiss and cuddle session ever!!
So... that was the first song.  Then my friend Dionne posted Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits for me and Joel as that was our wedding song (as in first dance).  I only re-read the lyrics and I realise now why Joel said it was perfect.... here's the lyrics with bits in RED are the important parts:

A lovestruck romeo sing a streetsuss serenade
Laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
Finds a convenient street light steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it?

Juliet says hey it's romeo you nearly gimme a heart attack
He's underneath the window she's singing hey la my boyfriend's back
You shouldn't come around here singing up at people like that
Anyway what you gonna do about it?

Juliet the dice was loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded into my heart
And I forget the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

Come up on different streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?

When you can fall for chains of silver you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything you promised me thick and thin
Now you just say oh romeo yeah you know I used to have a scene with him

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above and I love you till I die

There's a place for us you know the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?
I can't do the talk like they talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything but I'd do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
And all I do is keep th beat and bad company
All I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme
Julie I'd do the stars with you any time

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above I'll love you till I die
And there's a place for us you know the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

A lovestruck romeo sings a streetsuss serenade
Laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
finds a convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it?

 I remember Joel saying to be a long time ago that he HAD liked me way back when we first met in Trillians, but that he'd had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend and 'the time was wrong' and I couldn't figure out why he'd call me Juliet when my name is Paula or Pol.... now I know.  Without going into too much detail, the first time we made love I did cry, because of how beautiful it was.  I think before that I'd 'had sex' but not 'made love'... there's a HUGE difference!  And the bit 'All I do is kiss you thru the bars of a rhyme'.... well lately I've been finding more and more of our favourite songs MEAN stuff now.  The lyrics are like messages to me.
I decided to 'cheer myself up' by listening to some Guns and Roses... of course the first one I listened to was my favourite, which Joel used to play the riff (THEEEEEEE Riff... if you are a GnR fan I don't need to explain LOL) for me.... now I KNOW the lyrics, always have and always will, it's my FAVOURITE GnR song (Bryan listen up you DON'T play it you will be castrated lol .... just kidding you've had your orders!!)  Well the lyrics only just 'kicked' in....

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I'd stare too long
I'd probably break down and cry

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine
She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine

Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine 

 I do have blue eyes, and Joel loves the rain, and said that my hair was probably, with my eyes, my most wonderful feature..... he also used to look at me and start crying for no reason.  I used to ask him if it was because it was such a hardship being my partner, and he said to me 'No, hun... just you are so beautiful inside and out, and I'm realising how special you are and how lucky I am to have you.'  Awwwwww!!

Let us move on then to another of OUR favourites..... November Rain, I'm just going to pick out the relevant bits:

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
When I first started going out with Joel, I was almost afraid of loving him.  I'd been battered and bruised (sometimes literally) when it came to love and I wasn't sure if I COULD just give my love to him, have it returned and be safe doing so.  He took my love and gave it back 10 fold.  Within a few weeks I wasn't restraining my love and our relationship flourished.  I came to Joel with a LOT of emotional baggage from the past, he not only took that on board and loved me regardless, but he helped me offload some of that baggage too, and the counseling that he wanted me to go to a LONG time ago, is sort of Joel telling me 'Look Pol, Nothing lasts forever in the Sweet November Rain... nothing that is but my love.'
I was chatting to a friend on yahoo messenger and discussing these songs, and desperately trying to remember WHICH song from GnR was Joel's favourite.... then it hit me, Don't Cry.
Now it's seriously ironic that a song called Don't Cry made me bawl my eyes out like I couldn't cry enough... this could be Joel talking to me, really.

Talk to me softly
There's something in your eyes
Don't hang your head in sorrow
And please don't cry
I know how you feel inside I
I ???
Something is changing inside you
And don't you know
Don't you cry tonight
I still love you baby
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight

Give me a whisper
And give me a sign
Give me a kiss before you tell me goodbye
Don't you take it so hard now
And please don't take it so bad
I'll still be thinking of you
And the times we had Baby
And don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
Don't you cry tonight
There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry tonight

And please remember that I'd never lied
And please remenber how I felt inside now honey
You gotta make it your own way
But you'll be alright now sugar
You'll feel better tomorrow
Come the morning light now baby
And don't you cry tonight
And don't you cry tonight
And don't you cry tonight

There's a heaven above you baby
And don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight
Baby maybe someday
Don't you cry
Don't you ever cry
Don't you cry tonight

Honestly, I sat there and BAWLED my eyes out.  Then when I'd stop bawling I was still weeping.  I had to get my friend Dionne to help... literally on FB chat it was 'DeeDee, daft song NOW, anything just not Teletubbies or Agadoo!!'  thankfully Dionne has TASTE, so sent me some Antmusic.... Prince Charming and Stand and Deliver!!
I think I'll continue this tomorrow because I've had a lot of 'messages' that I'd like to share.
But apparently I'm a hero... WOW!! I'm amazed.  Never thought of me as a hero, I'm just soldiering on like I'm used to, getting on with life.  I'm trying to live, but I'm not at the moment, ok yes, I'm breathing, eating, going to the toilet... true I'm functioning as a human being not a zombie (but if Dionne wants to practice her zombie make up on me I don't need the white greasepaint, just the scars and stuff!! LOL), but as far as emotionally living... I think that stopped other than P-A-I-N on 15th June.  Yes, ok, I have had good days and bad days and bloody awful days, but always even on good days, something will be missing, or rather someONE.
I am feeling generous today so I'm going to give you a few piccies of Joel... so you can drool over the gorgeous one LOL

Yes, I'm gorgeous, what of it, just take the photo ok!!
I little bit of Joel madness for you!

Not sure who's more gorgeous, Harry (the pup) or Joel!!

I don't know why (other than it's Joel!!) I LOVE this pic of him, part serious but you know that if he's with his friends he won't be being serious generally, there's a glint in that eye but he's obviously intrigued about something!!
And I'm intrigued about what the fridge has got in it that I can eat... lunchtime beckons!!
 Chat to you all tomorrow, hope you enjoy the pics! xx

No comments:

Post a Comment