Monday, 18 July 2011

It's finally happened... I'm slightly MAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!

Proof - should any proof be needed!!

When the outside temperature rises
And the meaning is oh so clear
One thousand and one yellow daffodils
Begin to dance in front of you - oh dear
Are they trying to tell you something?
You're missing that one final screw
You're simply not in the pink my dear
To be honest you haven't got a clue
I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened - happened
It finally happened - ooh oh
It finally happened - I'm slightly mad
Oh dear!
I'm one card short of a full deck
I'm not quite the shilling
One wave short of a shipwreck
I'm not at my usual top billing
I'm coming down with a fever
I'm really out to sea
This kettle is boiling over
I think I'm a banana tree
Oh dear, I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened, happened
It finally happened uh huh
It finally happened I'm slightly mad - oh dear!
I'm knitting with only one needle
Unravelling fast its true
I'm driving only three wheels these days
But my dear how about you?
I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened
It finally happened oh yes
It finally happened
I'm slightly mad!
Just very slightly mad!
And there you have it!

The FIRST person to say that I went mad years ago gets banned from this blog forever and ever amen.  I would have said strangled, but the first person has actually already 'said' it probably with the look of 'and it took you this long to work out' and eye rolling to go with it!!  But I can't strangle him and if I could it wouldn't do a lot of good other than being therapeutic to me!! *grins*

I haven't really of course but I HAVE booked in for counseling.  I went to the doctor (...and guess what she told me, guess what she told me... yes ok I know I'm showing signs of madness here but it's quite normal - for me at least - to have songs pop into my head ALL the time) and she gave me another 4 week sick note, asked how I was getting on with the anti-depressants (for those that don't know they were zonking me out for up to 8 hours AFTER I got up!!  I think they've kicked in a bit now.  They don't do much bar take the edge off, but they do relax me a bit to sleep), and other than that I'm fine.  Dr.McCleary is a good doctor in so far as she seems to care about her patients. She wanted to know what sort of a support network I have and didn't want me making any rash decisions as she counseled that while outwardly I might be coping, inwardly I'm still rather shattered, and she can tell that from things that I've said.  Asked if I was feeling suicidal... not because she thought I was, it's a 'conditional question' for most prescription of anti-depressants.  I had to admit, 'most days at some point, but I realise how stupid that would be'.

So now you have it, I've finally admitted it to everyone.  In one way I AM coping, insofar as I'm functioning day by day.  I eat meals, I drink plenty but ... I'm like an automated doll.  Part of me can get through life like this but I'm not LIVING... sure, I'm breathing but I'm living on automatic.  I'm not feeling anything other than pain and numbness and extreme sadness.  Ok yes, I do laugh (tho sometimes that ends up sounding like some mad scientist about to get Igor to flick the switch for some life-giving [literally] lightening strike!! <<note to Pratchett fans... watch the amount of !!!'s I use please... alert me if it's more than 5 and I'm not making reference to Masquerade please, you know what I mean!), joke around, and some days even have fun, BUT if you plotted on a graph one that would look like a T-Junction or a capital E with the top and bottom arms ripped off (ok ok I'm not a mathematician... I'm a linguist and historian!! ;o) ) the 'arm' would be the calendar of days against which we plot the chart... the 'backbone' would be a percentage, positive and negative either side of where the arm comes out (the neutral 0 line) of how I'm feeling.

Let's say we judge it on a range of -50 to +50% means I'm living, breathing etc.  BELOW the 0 line, and I'm having a BAD day, above the +50% and I'm having a fairly good day, either that or I've had blisteringly good time with an Ann Summers product at the same time as eating an entire box of dark (high cocoa content) choccies and had a small bottle of red wine after a blisteringly hot curry.... so my endorphins would be off the scale and thus having a fairly GOOD day.  Actually I don't need all of those to have a good day, but you know what I mean!  Sometimes I need an artificial, LEGAL high, I mean on top of the anti-depressants.  Joel taught me that one of the easiest things to do is make a HOT (as in spicy) stir fry or curry.  Believe me it works and endorphins are great for pain too.  Joel would have made one heck of a doctor, but then he was a sort of doctor the the Milburn female triumvirate - tho he did dish out 'common sense' medicine to friends i.e. 

Dear Uncle Joel (this is in style of magazine agony aunt columns)

My boyfriend has just dumped me by text.  All it said was 'I H8 u, u Bi7ch, P*ss off n get outta my life. In case u don't geddit, u dumped.  Sandra is much nicer than u, wil u b @ pub on Sunda for the kara?'  I'm so heart broken, we've been together for 5 years now and I'm not sure what to do.  Help!

Dear Dumped-By-Text Girl,

Firstly, do you really want lumbered with an idiot that can't spell correctly?  Text talk is a horrible way to communicate.  Granted I have been known to abbreviate you to U in texts but normally for quickness or to help shorten a message to fit into 1 unit of message cost.  However, that aside, how crass and insensitive for him to a) dump you by text b) rub your nose in it about a possible replacement (Sandra) and then c) ask if you were going to be going to the karaoke!  I presume he'd want to cadge some money off you for a pint, either that or he's hedging his bets and if 'Sandra' doesn't work out then he figures he can make puppy dog eyes at you, sweeten you up, "apologise" (at least as much as suits his purposes) and take you home.

My advice for the hurt at the moment.  You are going to feel used, rejected and generally down.  Make (or buy in... treat yourself!!) a decent hot curry, get a LITTLE bit of something to drink, this is for lowering inhibitions but perking you up, not getting you drunk.  Drinking when you are depressed only makes you worse... least it does for Auntie Pol... if she's depressed and then drinks she cries buckets... God help us a miserable drunk person!!  Silly, singing or sleepy are all fine but miserable... my t-shirts get soaked!! LOL.... get a duvet and a comedy DVD (NOT a romcom... something with stupid animals in or a bunch of lads doing stupid stuff, or something 'safe' like an old British comedy like Blackadder or The Young Ones....) anything that is going to make you laugh.  Oh and chocolate... for some reason chocolate is the 'cure of all ills' for females!  It won't cure anything all this but it WILL take the edge off your current pain, then tart yourself up, put your prettiest clubbing stuff on, get yourself a decent boyfriend (one that can spell too preferably!!) and then send Mr EX a text (all immaculately spelled of course!) to the effect that he was rubbish in bed, his genitals were in need of a magnifying glass etc, and you have a stud that looks like [supply own drop dead gorgeous male here, you may mention my name if you like *preen preen* PML.  Or you could go for the sweetness and light tactic (this doesn't mean don a nun's outfit) and text him hoping that he and Sandra are doing great and you are going to be in the pub this Sunday for the karaoke with your new bloke who you are dying for the two of you to meet.  This will annoy him even more, and you'll be doing yourself a favour by not stirring up more trouble.

But anyway back to this graph....if you plotted it day by day as an AVERAGE I would probably hover around between +20% and +50%... but if you plotted it hour by hour or even every 10 mins (sometimes the moods can change that quickly just by seeing something, hearing a song, reading a letter or a text) then it would be jumping the full spectrum between -99% and +99% tho I don't think I've ever been THAT happy since Joel died.

Joel is/was and always will be a part of my life.  IF (and it's an absolutely HUGE 'IF' because you will come to know how much Joel means to me in the following blog posts) I ever find a man special enough to even consider that he might be a small substitute, no one will ever REPLACE Joel, but I might want some comfort in my old age maybe... or I'll be an outrageous 70 year old with a 19 year old boyfriend (who of course will love rock music, have a bike, long hair and a goatee hehehe!!)... but you see what I mean... IF there is ever 'another man' sometime in the future they will have to accept that the best of my love, my mind, heart and everything else was given to Joel 15 years ago.  I cannot and will not ever have him out of my mind and heart.

So... carry on is what I have to do but I think today's chat with the doctor made me realise that I'm not coping with things as well as I thought.  I confessed, as I said to feeling suicidal most days, not exactly the idea that I was going to take lots of tablets and wash them down with a load of neat vodka, throw myself under a bus or jump off a bridge, or use one of numerous sharp knives I have... none of that.  Just the sort of feelings well if I was dead too I'd be with Joel.... and the 'hopelessness' feeling of 'Where do I go from here', 'What do I do now'.  But my darling Joely would be the first person to kick me back (after a very very long kiss and cuddle session!!) to this dimension saying 'What the hell do you think you are playing at, I'm ok, and YOU darling need to LIVE your life and stop chickening out!'

The actual words said here were 'Who's mad enough to....' so I pulled a face and Joel, such a devoted hubby..... well you can see.  The alternative caption that Joel coined was 'And when you press Pol *here* she has a spasm!' LOL

I'll live, but please PLEASE continue to comment, make sure I'm ok etc.  I'm still me, I've always been mad in some ways... if I had more money I'd be eccentric but as I'm part of the great unwashed it will have to be 'mad'!!

I know both photos of Joel have me in them today but hey I am his wife and did get married to him and you can all giggle at Bob/Joel in a SUIT!! *grins* LOL... but doesn't he look gorgeous?!

Oh and if you want to see REALLY mad...

The t-shirt reads - for your information 'ME BOSS You wife.... if that's ok with you dear'


  1. Thanks Kat... I'm just glad people ARE actually reading this!! The amount of support I have has been fantastic!!

  2. Yes Sis, I KNOW you read, faithfully, on pain of ... oooh I dunno, me never sending you any postcards ever again LOL LOL!!