Sunday, 17 July 2011

A Personal Grief....

For once I'm not DIRECTLY talking about Joel.  He's involved... even 'responsible' in some ways.

On the day Joel had the seizure (Tuesday 14th around 8.15am) and almost exactly the same time as the first time the hospital rang I was in the bathroom... cleaning up the mess that had been our baby.

I had until that point been 3 months pregnant.  Just the previous day Joel had gone down for an x-ray and was saying to his Mam 'I've got something to tell you, well we have... no don't tell her' (the last bit was to me), he was going to tell her when we got back to the Ward, but forgot.  Possibly because I hadn't seen the sign on the wall 'If you are pregnant or think you might be pregnant please inform a radiologist and do not enter the x-ray rooms'.  I was about to go in with him and it was one time I really thought he was angry with me... he wasn't, just concerned..... he shouted at me 'Are you MAD?!'  I wasn't sure what he was on about, then he gently touched my stomach and said... 'You don't want to kill off Jessica do you?'

Now we'd already decided that we'd have the 2nd name to be Maureen after Mam, hadn't even entertained the idea that it might be a boy, we kind of 'knew' it was going to be a little girl.... so he'd decided that it was to be Jessica Maureen.

OK the amusing thought for the day.... Uncle Alan has been teasing Mam for a week now with the fact that the little female golden labrador retriever down the road he's named Maureen (for Mam), now Jessica is actually Mam's mother's name.... but it's also the name of their youngest Dog (they have 3... 2 Saluki x Lurchers Ellie and Danny and a racing whippet - Jessie)... I think naming dogs after women or women after dogs is becoming a family thing!!

But I'm feeling quite sad as that's now 5 attempts me and Joel had and failed.  One about 2 months after I went to live with him at Mark's (again must've been about 3 months gone, and conceived the first time... well you know, we were consenting, loving adults in what we knew was going to be a long-term relationship!!  Yes Mam, dear *blush blush* in Norwich when he came to see me *blush*), one we KNOW was a boy and was going to call George (Georgie) David Thomas (Grandfathers on both Joel's sides I think, and my maternal grandfather - George, David for Dad and Thomas for Joel and the grandfather he was named after.) just after my Dad died (That was a bad year - lost my job, lost my Dad, lost the baby then lost the house as I couldn't work, and then couldn't find work) then when we were between houses (early September, I had fallen pregnant in the July... but we both had swine flu and I was weak then, not the best time to conceive) I lost a 3rd.  We thought it was the perfect ending to a honeymoon when I found out I was pregnant about 3 weeks after we came back, but Joel didn't have a very Happy Birthday last year as the day before I tripped over the cat (he stood up while I was going to the loo in the middle of the night) I fell down the stairs and miscarried early the next morning.  I tried to hide it from Joel but he demanded to be let in the bathroom when he heard I was crying in there. We weren't lucky enough for me to fall pregnant until just after mid-March, and would have been due on Dec 13th... ironic since we have 2 birthdays in the family on 13th (Mam and Sophie) and we got married on 13th September, and both Mam and I live in a number 13 house.... contrary to popular superstition.. 13 is actually quite a lucky number for us!

I don't know if you agree with me but Joel would have made an EXCELLENT father.  He was so gentle, loving and kind. Whenever I was pregnant he fussed about me, telling me I mustn't do this or that which might be heavy, insisting I drink lots of milk, take my folic acid tablets and eat fresh fruit and veg.  After the first which I didn't even really know I was pregnant until I found the foetus - I'd had several Depo Provera jabs and they had shut me down completely for 6 years.... it was only around the time that Joel started going out with me that my periods started to come back.  The first one he and I actually planned, I conceived about Christmas (lots of opportunity to cuddle in that cold weather! LOL) he was DEVASTATED by the loss, so much so that he had almost 12 weeks off work with depression.  The third we put down to the fact that although my sister was putting us up (well ok, we were sleeping on an airbed with a leak on her living room floor) she was chucking us out every morning before 9 and wouldn't let us back in, whatever the weather until 11pm at night... conditions weren't great and then she was sitting at right angles to me, with her feet up in my lap and her foot 'tapping' (her words, kicking brutally would be my and Joel's words, he 3 times told her to stop then just got hold of her feet and dropped them unceremoniously on the floor)... 24 hours later I started to haemorrhage.  This last one was my personal hell to deal with.  Thankfully for Joel after the seizure he wasn't really with it enough for me to have told him, I really think had he rallied and perked up I would have still had to hide it until he asked or he was strong enough to take it.  Still he has Jessica with him I'm sure!

I leave you with this picture of Joel being 'fatherly' or at least 'Cousin Joel'!!

He really did love children... this one was a little large to slow roast in the oven tho, and he had to watch his diet, couldn't eat a whole one at one sitting these days!!!

Just seeing if it's tender enough!!
Well ok maybe not....

Yep, this one's MINE for later muhahahahahaha!!

And some of him in more tender moments:

UNCLE JOEL... look what Bart Simpson is doing NOW!!!

(Heather was playing Bart Simpson all the way thru Joel's birthday meal, but he felt she was FAR more important than his pork crackling!!) 

And Joel... can you PLEASE stop teaching the angels 'Tears in Heaven' we're soaking here!!! LOL!!

Hugs to all my blog-followers!!

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