Sunday, 18 September 2011

Didn't We Almost Have It All

I think today I'd better catch you up on a few things and I'm in particularly Whitney Houston-esque mood today so that helps set the theme for me.

I've chosen 'Didn't we almost have it all' for two reasons.  Joel obviously.  Now recent events mean that some people think that I don't and didn't love Joel.  NOT TRUE.  Anyone who really knows me KNOWS I gave that man more than most women could and would have done.  I still have a place in my heart for him and anyone that denies that is (no disrespect meant to my partially sighted and blind friends here) blind.  I spent 3.5 years of my life giving him my love, respect, time, liberty and everything else.

People might say that was my 'duty' and that since Joel was ill, only 'right' that I look after him.  In one way you'd be correct in your assumptions of that.  But right or wrong I have been taught in the last week that while that might have been the situation then, I need to take some well earned and yes, DESERVED 'ME' time.  Amongst other people there are 5 people that I think stand out on being advocates for the 'Pol you need some me time' Brigade and to them I am grateful..... Rachel and Olly Witty for taking me to Scotland and helping me face a lot of my demons about life after Joel; Gill Slane.... for just being Gill.  Without her and Joel (and now other people) I wouldn't still be here...; Craig Purvis who is forever telling me to slow down, take some time for me; and last but definitely not ever least, my dearest dearest friend and brother, who means the world to me, Bryan.... now I have to explain that one... why the others are just 'Thanks' and Bry is 'my dearest dearest friend and brother who means the world to me'.... the others do.... but Bry is special (and no Craig, not 'window licking special LOL LOL... well ok he's that TOO!! *grin*)

Bry has taught me in a short space of time... literally from last Friday, how easy it CAN be to have 'me time'.  How it doesn't need to cost anything but a little bit of prior planning (yes Bry... 6P's LOL Prior Planning Prevents....*grin*) in a lot of cases. Let me give you a diary of my week...

Friday - after much wind up from the king of all wind up merchants (Bryan...I thought Joel was bad.... hell, Joely took lessons from Bry, trust me!! LOL) over the space of 3 days as to where we were going out on Friday night, he took me to see The Searchers in concert at the Whitley Bay Playhouse.  Now.... to you that might not mean anything, to me it was 2.5 hours of absolute bliss!!  Downtime listening to one of my favourite bands with my best mate..... for once I was sitting down doing NOWT, and enjoying myself!

Saturday - I did absolutely sweet FA on Saturday and it was great!!  Actually I think I helped Bryan get some of his disco/karaoke stuff sorted out, which is fine cuz I'm training up to be a DJ so it does help to know what goes where and does what!!

Sunday - Alnwick Castle with Rachel and Olly - History is one of my big loves and to tramp around a castle when the weather wasn't the best was great.  Also had some fun time with Gill, Matt and Cian.  You want some 'me' time if you aren't a parent..... take time out to play with a toddler.  When it's my darling 'monkeyboy' nephew Cian, he's such an adorable handful your blues will all blow away.

Monday - Rossalyn Chapel en route to Balloch.  Once we were at Balloch and had unpacked, made the beds then gone shopping we did just collapse and watch movies.  I stayed up until 2am (well was longer than that) because I was awaiting the arrival of Bryan who was joining us for the holiday and someone had to heat up his Chicken Chow Mien!! However, it was after Tuesday that my lessons in 'me time' really started.

Tuesday - Anyone who knows me will know that I have this problem with the R word.  I run around like a headless chicken trying to look after everyone and everything and take little or no time for myself.  Rachel and Olly went out for the day and Bryan made it his mission to make me relax (oh oh there you go I've said the R word LOL).  First I had my neck and shoulders massaged.  That troublesome trapezius muscle of mine that has been giving me pain and stopping me sleeping for a while is now not wound up to distraction.... bliss! Now I only have the clicky neck LOL .... put it down to old age that one!!  And my feet.  They aren't perfectly baby soft by a long chalk, but they aren't calloused to hell and I can walk without pain.  I have had them scraped, moisturised and massaged, and it was wonderful!  1 hour of 'me time'.... Must do it more often!!  It was the best anniversary pressie ever Bry, so thanks to my darling bro and best man to Joel, bestest mate to me.

Wednesday - The 'me time' today wasn't very pleasant, but was very much needed.  Part of the reason Rach and Olly took me to Balloch, to the exact same campsite as me and Joel were on honeymoon at the same week near enough (at least to encompass the wedding and handfasting anniversaries) was to help me try to release some of the grief, to actually let it out which I haven't been.  Well, I have now.  I sat around feeling lousy all day, and yes, it was Bryan (I'm sorry if I'm talking a lot about him on this blog but he has been an absolute BRICK... and in the words of Father Jack 'I love my brick!' LOL.... this week and always, looking after me for Joel, and just cuz he's my best friend too) just said 'Talk'.  Sounds easy but it isn't.  Trust me it isn't.  Getting all the hurt of the last 4 months out of my system was one of the hardest things to start doing.... yes START doing.  I'm afraid that Bry got a bit of a wet t-shirt shoulder!!

Thursday - If Bryan thought his t-shirt was wet (who needs a washing machine when Pol in full grief mode is around LOL!!) on Wed, it was nowt to how it was on Thursday.  I needed a catalyst and Bry had his laptop with him sorting some stuff out for his DJ work so I asked him to play some 'choons'...Now, stupid thing is that I've played these songs a million times over here, and I'm immune to them here but hearing them there and with the emotions running high anyhow.... lets say it was a bloody good job I wasn't wearing make up.  I just totally 'lost it'  I mean properly.  Not the 'few' tears that I've shed in the last few months.  This was as much as all those crying jags put together and then some, this was the feeling sick with how much crying I was doing, the can't get the words out even on sobs type crying.  What I had lost FINALLY sunk in. 

Bryan did drive me down to the handfasting site (well ok to the car park then we walked TO the site)... what was left of it.  The dearth of British Summer this year and all the rain of that and the Scottish Monsoon Season meant that my beautiful handfasting site was totally flooded out.  If you look at the pics of the handfasting the picnic table we are all sitting around... that was under water practically to the level of the top of the table.... the water was about 2 foot from the path where people were walking their dogs.  So after a bit of meditation/thoughts we de-camped to another higher (!) picnic table to chat, relax and watch squirrels playing, then walked back to the car via the pub and had a pint just chatting.... that was my real down time for the day.

Friday - coming back in the car with Bryan via Gill's was an experience.  I knew he could sing.... but WOW!!  It was like having my own personal concert!  If you EVER get Bry on his own (not happening LOL LOL, he's MY singer heheheehe, I demand the rights to be his agent!! LOL LOL) get him to sing Gethsemane from Jesus Christ Superstar.... OMG!! That drive was magical because I felt a) tingly from Bryan's singing b) RELAXED (yes ok full marks, brownie points, Special Chow Mien when you want it, THOSE rock cakes on demand and full bags of satsumas for you m'dear!! *grin*) fully for the first time in years and c) purged.  I realised finally after a week of 'conditioning' (LOL) by some dear friends that it's ok to be angry, upset, take time out for myself, have a less than perfectly clean house if I'm taking some time for ME, because if I DON'T, I'm going to end up in hospital.  I'm still close to it now, for one reason or another.

I'll finish with another Whitney.  This is pretty much self-explanatory:

And also, this one is for Bryan

Thanks m'dear for believing in me xx

Hugs to everyone... I'm still reeling a bit from this past week, will take me a while to recover, so if you don't hear from me, give me a poke.

Hugs, Pol xx

1 comment:

  1. Hi Pol
    So glad you have had some time away just to think, feel and enjoy. We all need that from time to time. I know in the last months I have had my first manicure and some enjoyable massage therapy.
    Reading of you going to the place where you went on you honeymoon.made me think. I don't think I will ever forget that photo of you on the ground in the headlights of the car trying to get that food cooked. So funny.

    Bless you my dear as you continue to heal from so much "stuff"