Tuesday, 20 September 2011

FINALLY... the bottom......or the brick wall.

I'm still not sure which it was, but whatever it was I've hit it.... hard!

People if you are reading this and you care, I'm gonna need you more than ever in the next couple of weeks, months or however long this is gonna take.  Get me thru to the Tribute Evening at least, after that if I need to I can collapse, as I think I nearly did tonight.  I'm shaking at the moment but not half of what I was doing earlier.

I have to give HUGE thanks to my dear friends Craig and Mary for once again picking up the pieces of what is left of my life.  Some people (and for clarification to the people I AM talking about I'm NOT talking about Deb here... what was said, was said, even before the public apology we'd worked it out and she was and always will be a dear sister) I have been seriously hurt by what some people have been saying about me.  Yes I HAVE been spending time around the same set of people, but these are people who have stood by me thru EVERYTHING for years...and they don't care (well they do... but I hope you'll 'get' what I mean) if I'm sitting there in the same top I've worn for the last week, with no make up on, my hair a mess and my eyes puffy and red... it's then they make me a strong coffee, let me cry some more, hand me the tissues and just hug me.  For that I am eternally grateful.  They have seen me at my worst.  I said they don't care.... that's the worst terminology ever...it's where the English language falls down... well no... correction, it's where my brain not functioning beyond about a 5,000 word vocabulary (as opposed to my normally much larger one) doesn't help.  CARING about and LOVING me is the one thing they are doing.  Again sounds childish but I don't really give a damn what other people think right now, I just care about what I'm going thru but 'Yah Boo Sucks' if people don't like it but I have to give a big shout out to the following people:

Deb (and Dan)
Helen P (texts if you don't know Sis)
Ste C (FB messages)
Norman, Carl, Kris and Mel

For helping me thru the worst of this.... so far.  Rach, Olly and Bry were there for the start of it, Mam was there last night when although I thought it was just the 2 bottles of white wine (Matt if you are reading this you KNOW what I'm like with WHITE wine....and about now he'll be rolling his eyes and saying 'Oh God you did WHAT?!'), cough medicine and paracetamol....

....ah yeah should clarify that was a TOTAL accident.  We'd had the wine, I'd gone up to get ready for bed as wine was making me sleepy....had my cough medicine, got out a menthol sucky sweet to suck on while I read for a while and took 2 paracetamol...ok yeah big deal a lot of you will be thinking BUT these were 2 x 500mg ones and the big issue here... I took them without thinking when I'd had alcohol.  BAD SIGN.  That I immediately realised and went and drank loads of water meant only that I had a very sound night's sleep but it's scared me.  While yes, I AM feeling suicidal.... feeling and doing anything so stupid are 2 things altogether.  I'm starting to realise (thanks guys) that there are a lot of people out there that actually 'give a shit' about me!!

Several text messages (various people) and phone calls later and I'm feeling sort of 'I can bear this pain'.... but was only a temporary put off... and I totally lost it.  Craig and Mary are absolute ROCKS of friends.  Mary supplied the hugs, Craig provided the coffee and the tissues!! and both just let me talk about how I felt... both physically and emotionally and mentally.... and both have persuaded me to go to the docs in the morning for an emergency appointment....then going back to theirs cuz they don't want me on my own in this state.  Hopefully I'll have calmed down enough by the weekend to be able to function well enough to be Bry's roadie for the Beehive at least.  Maybe a good sing song will do me good.

Shout out goes out to Dawn too for sitting here half the night with me just talking and letting me get things out of my system cuz I'm hurting.  I don't like what I'm going thru, I don't know until I go to the doc tomorrow what I'm going thru but I've been here before when Mark was killed by a drunk driver and I'd say if I know anything about grief stuff that I've gone straight from Denial to Depression (if you know the Kuebler-Ross model).... thing is it's not all that easy to describe.... but let me try.

Head/Mind/Brain is NUMB... the only part of me that is and feeling 'spaced' and I haven't had any drugs other than my amitryptiline (anti-depressant) and paracetamol (to get temperature down as I have cold/flu)
Heart - hurting a lot, some palpitations
Stomach - feeling sick
Body generally going hot and cold, shaking, pins and needles and feeling like I'm being 'pressed' from all sides

So yeah... not doing good so all hugs, friendship, madness etc needed right now...  I'm so not doing well.

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