Thursday, 15 December 2011

6 months on.....

Does it get any easier?? 

They say time heals, and I have to say in a lot of ways 'they' are correct.  Although I don't think it's so much healing as learning to deal with it, and filling my time with other things.

I still have moments, hours, days... it doesn't normally go beyond days thanks to my 'support squad', they'll come over, ring me, get me to go for tea with them or whatever to make sure I'm ok,... where I'll vary from a brief moment of reminiscence to bawling my eyes out that I'm so lonely and I miss him.

However, I have lots to occupy my time now.  I have moved house so I won't freeze this winter, I do DJing and karaoke (I'm roadie for Bryan and occasionally I'll help out with the mixing and stuff rather than just the carting of stuff up and down club stairs!! *grin*  hey it's part and parcel of the job and not like he makes me do it all myself, I HELP.... he's carrying just as much if not more!!  and I wouldn't get to do the fun bits without the hard work!).  I am setting up (and being somewhat successful) with my new greetings cards and craft trinket business Krafty Katz Kardz and Keepsakez (4K)... and at the moment I'm busy unpacking, sorting, repacking, housing, sorting more etc. all the stuff I brought over from Chopwell.   I have to sort out the stuff in the studio (note, not Spare Bedroom but Studio... my new landlord... Bryan... hath decreed that it is a studio but has worked a compromise that 'his' bed i.e. the one supplied with the house, will go in the Studio as a long seat [and a spare bed if I need it!] and I can have my king size in the bedroom) so that I can move Bry's bed that he left with the house into there and put up my solid pine king size one... until I get the double divan out of that room I can't put the bed up, and I can't put the divan into the Studio until  all the cables, DVDs/Games/bits of computer (JOEL THOMAS MILBURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *grin*) are sorted and stored neatly in the cupboard so we know where they are but can still get hold of them!!

So between moving house, doing roadie stuff, making and selling (well eventually selling I hope) cards etc, visiting friends, shopping with Mam... I'm busy enough not to dwell.  However, this wind lately has been getting thru to me.  That said, not half as much as it normally did when at Chopwell.  It was something we loathed intensely both of us, the wind.  Made both of us feel cold, lonely and empty inside.  Here (Leam Lane) it doesn't howl round the chimney as much, and I don't have visions of the whole chimney falling thru the roof cuz it was unsafe.

I'll continue this later... I'm off to watch MasterChef:The Professionals Final.  See you on the flipside!!

I think it's time I examined a few things in life.  Things Joel wanted me to do:

1.  Get on with life
2.  Be successful
3.  Be Happy
4.  Not mope over him
5.  Find love.
6.  Take time to do what I want, follow MY dreams

Let's examine these individually:

1.  Get on with life... well it took a while and 2 dear friends that are 2 of the 3 guys that while I love them all as brothers - they are the few that can give me verbal kicks up the arse and tell me to buck up and get on.  They did it in their own ways. Matt got me to listen to 'Another Suitcase in Another Hall'... and 'What happens now?!' pretty much summed up my life back in June.  And I had to answer him... I didn't have a clue back then. I have a much clearer picture now.  Graham a few weeks later asked me 'When will I be ready to 'move on'... when will the time be right?'  but basically he said to me what back then I wasn't ready to take in, or take on board.  Then Bryan, well let's just say he got it thru to me.  I love him dearly but when he wants to be he can be blunt.... y'know, like a bit of 4 by 2!! LOL  He basically said what Graham said but after I'd hit rock bottom, after I'd had a breakdown, and when I was ready to crawl back up the other side.  Well I didn't think I was ready but he handed me the ladder and the tools.  He gave me direction and purpose... with his help I made a 5 year plan.  But like any good teacher he broke it down into bite size bits for me.  It's nigh on impossible and I told him so for me to envision where I'll be in 5 years time and doing what .... he asked what my dreams were and little by little we broke it down to weekly, monthly, 6 months time, a year... and so on.... it wasn't that difficult once I knew where I was going and my purpose in life!!

2.  Be successful - well I've sold 2 cards up to now.  I'm working in the right direction of being successful, and I have the determination to succeed!

3.  Be Happy - I'm working on it.  I'm not UNhappy.  But there are certain things would have to happen for me to be perfectly happy.  I'm not looking for happiness, just looking to be not UNhappy.  In that I'd say I'm fairly successful.  It's impossible for me to be happy ALL the time.  I still miss Joel... A LOT.  When I can't have my favourite people around, and if I don't see one of the people I love (Mam, Bry, Deb, Dan, Norman, Carl, Gaynor or the people at the Beehive, to name a few) every day, then the longer it goes without seeing one of them the more lonely I feel, and I do still get depressed.  Thankfully, I normally only go a maximum of 2 days without seeing at least one of these guys!! And they are in contact by phone or email all the time!!

4.  Not mope over him.  MOSTLY been successful on this one but there are days when I do still just sit there and bawl my eyes out over him, or I'll find something that was his and cry.  That said I still scream at him when I find ANOTHER disk, like this morning, with "Stuff" written on it... yes Joel darling but WHAT stuff?!  That may have been helpful to know!!  I haven't had TIME to mope thanks to friends and family.  It is at night, when I'm alone and no one around... that's when I 'lose it' and cry into my pillows.

5.  Find love - ah yeah bit of a sore point at the moment.  I'll gloss over that one for now if I may.  Well it's not a secret so .... I did find love, I still love that person, but circumstances are such that we can't be together.  Strangely, that is pretty much what happened to me and Joel!! 14 years ago now!! *grin*

6.  Take time to follow my dreams and do what I want:  well I do take more time for myself now.... and *shock horror* I RELAX (faints cuz I said the R word!!!)  but that's thanks to someone special.  It's still difficult for me to actually take time for myself, but I've managed to reach a compromise.  I do things for all my friends like I used to just the same, BUT I also take time for myself!  I put my feet up... unheard of!!  I stop doing work and sit down with a cuppa when I feel I need it.... Yes, yes, you know who I'm talking to here... give yourself a pat on the back and do the 'Big and Clever' dance too... or the Snoopy one *wink*

Oh and I'd like to give a hugs shout out to Stevie Fairless today, for sending me the 2 photos below... thank you so so much hun!!!

Love you and miss ya Joel, you'll always be special to all of us!!

If anyone can identify the other guy in this photo please tell me!!

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