Tuesday 6 September 2011

It's been a while

It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while
Since I first saw you
It's been a while
since I could stand on my own two feet again
and it's been a while
since I could call you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been a while
since i could say that I wasn't addicted and
It's been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

Its been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
and it's been awhile
since I said I'm sorry
It's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
It's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
I know it's me I cannot blame this on my father
he did the best he could for me

It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while since I said I'm sorry 

 This pretty much sums it up how I'm feeling today.  I would apologise for the the lyrics but no, I've said worse and these are the lyrics, if you don't like it sorry but it totally fits my mood right now.  Let's take this a bit at a time:

It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while
Since I first saw you 

Well.... ever since I lost Joel, I've had to mask exactly how I'm feeling inside.  Not because people wouldn't understand, far from it... more that if I let loose, then I'm going to really lose all the sanity in me (but that's a whole other song!! But that one [My Immortal, Evanescence] covers the way I feel too), and of course, it's been a while (15 years almost) since I first clapped eyes on him.

It's been a while
since i could stand on my own two feet again
and it's been a while
since I could call you 

Had it not been for the lovely friends I have, I would be a bigger mess than I am.  I've literally been being propped up by some awesome friends.  Big shout outs go to:
Norman, Carl and Kris
Craig
Mary
Joe and Sam
Mam and Dad
Bryan
Helen
Mark (Maverick)
John (Maughan)
All my online friends who send me messages and anyone that texts me regularly to keep me... ahem "sane" (<<a relative term!!)


And of course, I got a little teary (OK who am I trying to kid... I was bawling my eyes out last night for hours to the extent that when I went to the therapists today she asked if I had Conjunctivitis!) last night cuz I still have Joel's number listed in the phone book on my phone... I have this feeling about deleting him, feels like I'm trying to delete him from my life, not true as you all know but.... 

But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means 

I'm literally facing clinical exhaustion.  I went to the doctor (and guess what she told me, guess what she told me... sorry LOL, trying to cheer myself up a bit here!) and she told me to REST. Hahahahahaahahahaha... does she know who she's talking to?! 'Rest' and 'Relax' are two things that other people do... although there are certain people who shall remain nameless who text me and say 'What you doing, stop it now, go and put your feet up, REST!!' or words to that effect.  And one house (not my own) where I literally take my shoes off at the door and I have been known to put my feet up (*SHOCK HORROR*) because I do feel like I BELONG there!!  So for those brief oasii of rest, thank you... and Craig, Bry, and a few other people... keep brow beating me (I know you do it in a nice way m'dears) into resting.  If you don't keep on at me, well.... you know what I'm like!!

It's been a while
since i could say that I wasn't addicted and
It's been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and
It's been a while 

Addicted only to Joel that is.  As for loving myself... I never have, never did... getting some self esteem back but I live for others.  That's just me.

Why must I feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day  

I think I say this to myself daily.... yes, it still hurts.  Will I ever feel 'normal' again???

Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
It's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
I know it's me I cannot blame this on my father
he did the best he could for me 

Joel loved candles, yes I can still remember the way he tasted... normally of curry or something equally spicy or pork crackling!!... One of the few things we 'fought' over!!
And the last line I'm taking totally out of context..... he did the best he could for me... Joel that is... always.  He gave me back my life, not by dying.... no, not at all... but by loving me.  For that as much as anything I will never forget him, and never stop having a special place in my heart for him... EVER....

Well I just thought I'd update you before the anniversary, I'll be a mess after!

Love you all xxxxxoooooxxxxx

4 comments:

  1. Hi Paula
    I can so relate to much of what you have written, especially about deleting Joel from your phone making you feel like you were deleting him from your life. I had no problems getting rid of maurice's tools etc because I HAD to. But other things I can't bear to part with. A pencil I found in a jar the other day I kept simply because I knew he used it to draw on wood before he sawed. It felt SO awful to contemplate throwing it away.
    Oh the whole life does get better and I often say thanks to Maurice when I am able to accomplish something handy for myself because he taught me how. I am sure I will never really feel whole again.

    I will be thinking of you as you courageously face dealing with painful things with your therapist.

    Love from Australia
    Mam

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  2. Hi Paula,

    Remember you have a star and anytime your alone then know that Joel is looking down on you and watching over you!

    Craig and Bryan are right in what they are doing, they know you really well and know that you need to stay focussed - your doing so well, don't give up. Time does heal, never forget but it does help to heal.

    Stay strong Paula.

    Hugs,

    xx

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  3. Phoenix - Thanks hun, you and Maverick are very very special... Craig and Bry are darlings... well all of you mentioned. What I'd do without you I don't know!!

    Mam Jen.... thanks... you know what it's like first hand!

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  4. Stay Strong You know we are here if u need a solder to cry on or some one to talk to

    Norman Carl

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